kc11236

(Recent Entries) (Archive) (Friends) (User Info)
Navigate: (Previous 20 Entries)

Nov. 23rd, 2009

Sep. 15th, 2009

04:05 pm - ho hummmmm

well it is unoffically offical. Brandon has someone. It makes me very.....upset. Upset I suppose becuase it reminds me yet again that I don't have someone and never will. I don't want HIM anymore but I want someone. No one wants me. I mean romantically.

Still have not heard on that apartment either.
gah.

Current Mood: cranky

(Leave a comment)

Sep. 8th, 2009

11:03 am - Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

well since this is a private journal that I don't think anyone really reads anyway here I go...


It looks like Brandon has a girlfriend or potential one and it just frustrates me. What about me?
Everyone keeps saying "it'll happen...when you least expect it..." blah blah blah. I used to believe them but now I don't. At. All. Even so it's not going to happen for years anyway.

I'd be just my luck to meet someone right before I move to Lansing in a few years. :(. Then I'd have to deal with THAT mess.

Guys can't deal with someone like me and it sucks because it feels like punishment. For something I cannot help. In the rare case that the DO like me, I don't like them. It's a twisted cycle.


It's so frustrating it makes me want to cry. Cry because for one thing, I feel afraid it will never happen and I'll end up alone, and another for the fear of WHAT IF it DOES happen...will they run screaming when we get intimate???? will all the information and whatnot scare them away? What if they feel like at first that they can handle it and then the realize they can't?

huh???

I honestly don't think I could take that kind of deep rejection. I'd be in too deep. I know myself that way. So in some ways, it's better to be independent and alone. But then there is the loneliness and lack of physical intimacy and just plain old companionship.

so for today I am going to be a whiner and complain. Some days it's okay to do that.

Today is one of those days.



.....

Kate

Current Mood: frustrated

Current Music: No Surprise-Daughtry

(Leave a comment)

Jun. 8th, 2009

12:58 pm - No we're never gonna survive...

unless we get a little crazy...
well it is another day in paradise here at the fine Park Library sitting and reading a book at the all important book checkout desk. All I have to say is that for such a decent job (or as it sounds).....it sure is not fun/interesting/anything.I like pretty much everyone in the staff and have no problems with anyone, but my boss can drive me crazy sometimes, and I can drive myself crazy sometimes, but I just have to pay better attention and get back into fall semester mode....but anyway let's talk about something else.
I have never really acknowledged just how scared of relationships I am. Never, honestly anyway, I am scared shitless at the thought. I mean, what if everything in the relationship is going great, then it starts getting more serious and more intimate, and then next thing you know he's running screaming at the site of my freshly exposed birthday suit? Honestly, that is one of my fears, One of my biggest fears. I have never really admitted that out "loud" before, either.
I feel as gloomy today as the rain pouring down outside. I wish I was in bed with nowhere to go for like months. I even spilled soup on my jeans. Not just a little, but a nice big spot where my shins would be located. then my boss asked if I was available for Friday and Thursday afternoon. Of course I said I would take the hours but I was really looking forward to having that Friday off. I haven't had a friday off all summer, and my mom and sister get to hang out while I miss out. Oh well, such is life. I couldn't work thursday because I have an appointment, which I am thinking about changing so I can go down with mom to take emma to do her DAT test. Normally I'd be all over it, but I have a feeling it's not going to be a great day because:
*Emma is going to be in a bad mood because she'll be nervous about the test beforehand,
*If she doesn't get the score she wants (which I doubt just because no score will be good enough by Emma standards), she'll be crabby afterword (they get there scores immediately).
*Mom isn't planning on doing anything fun anyway except reading or whatnot in the car while Emma takes the test. BORING. Why not shop or meet up with someone for lunch or something? At least browse the mall for fun and exercise?
*Add this all on top of the fact that Emma has been cranky towards me lately, and if she is crying I won't be able to stand it (partially because nothing anyone can say can comfort her, and two I wish she'd just take this experience for what it is: a determinant to make a disicion. She's not wrong either way because it's right for HER and it's what will make her happy. Not the rest of us.) I won't want to be around and frankly she won't want me around.
I wish my sister could see that this is not failing. My sister can do anything she wants to. It's just who she is. Anything she's ever wanted she's received. Anyway well I have to go....
Kate

Current Mood: gloomy

(Leave a comment)

May. 28th, 2009

11:24 am - A means to an end...

well, Brandon finally admitted to me last night that he just wants to be friends and nothing more. I have heard that so many times from guys it makes me sick. It makes me feel like its never going to happen. Couldn't they at least come up with a better disguise? At least joel (whom I don't really like, but when someone tried to get him to "hook up" with me, for a lack of a better term), said "she's like a sister to me." I can handle that. "just want to be friends" is like saying, "your nice but your ugly so I cant stand to be around you". yes, you heard me right. Anyway, my heart is broken and I have lost all faith in guys. What is worse is I feel like a fool for doing this to myself the WHOLE TIME. He did send mixed messages that I must have misinterpreted, so I am partially to blame, largely to blame, for this whole mess, too. I just feel like an idiot who is going to become some crazy cat lady locked up in her apartment with piles of books, movies, and Dr. Pepper. All alone. What's worse is my boss wants to add additional hours ON TOP of which she scheduled me, which I don't mind but getting up at 5:45 sucks, and 5 days in a row? yuck. also, I have 1,000 dollars that i am not able to use this school year. GRR. Can anyone make me smile, please?
Kate

Current Mood: crushed

(Leave a comment)

May. 26th, 2009

03:16 pm - New Life List

Way back in high school I made a "Life List" of all the things I wanted to accomplish and do in this life and I just thought I'd make a newer version, more updated to reflect my growing and changing personality. They are in no particular order...
*Get Married
*Have children (whether adoption or biological)
*Have a cockier spaniel and a calico cat
*See the following artists in concert if I can (yes I realize Led is retired, but I can dream..after all, that is what this list is about):
Led Zeppelin
the Who
Pearl Jam
Blind Melon (won't be the same without Shannon, but I can't help that).
Shinedown
*Experience life in the city (by living in one)

*go to the Turner Syndrome conference, both national and international
*visit all 50 states (including Alaska and Hawaii of course)
*Visit: Boston, New York City, Philadelphia, Wilmington NC, and Washington DC.
*Visit: England, Italy, Scotland,Germany,France, and Ireland
*Make a Documentary and enter it into film festival(s)
*write a book
*get second ear peircing
*Write a Screenplay
Well, I think that is all for now, ni

Current Mood: discontent

(Leave a comment)

May. 14th, 2009

02:41 pm - Thoughts on a long, hot, Thursday afternoon

Hello void, it's me, Kate. And do I have a lot to say today. Since I have no therapist and all i have are people around me with bias, then I'll treat this as my therapy session and let it all out.
First things first, it bugs me that my brother and sister are not as close to me as I wish. Further it bothers me that it bothers me so much. I mean, I know we all care and love one another, but I can't help but feel like I am an afterthought to them. I really don't think that when it comes down to it I truly matter to them. Honestly. I just wish I felt included because they truly wanted me there, not because they have to. Dan calls emma just to chat Me??? just to ask a question. She and jess get all the invites and I get nada. I just wish I knew that I mattered more and was truly respected. I don't feel that way.

In some ways I like being on my own and independent, making my own choices with only myself to really consider in my future. I see how consumed Emma is with Jesse and I am just glad that that is not me, and hopefully it will never be quite that way. I have no one by my side to share my life with and I think that is the thing that hurts the most. I have no one truly in my corner.
well I think I am honestly all talked out and have mulled this over enough.
Kate

Current Mood: aggravated

(Leave a comment)

May. 13th, 2009

01:46 pm - Well oh my goodness, I didn't know I was here....Adventures from Apartment L3

well, it is now summer, classes have ended and school is dismissed. Currently it is an interem period, which is just a fancy word for a period of no classes, between the spring and summer semesters. Work has gone pretty quick today, and I am hoping to say the same for the next two days as well, but whatever is whatever. I am enjoying my place that I have for the summer, though I would like to keep this place in the fall, though I don't know how possible that will be. But if I can, I will. The second night was the best night, even though my neighbors were loud and having a party, Last night was the worst (I moved in Sunday). I couldn't sleep because the same neighbors were having yet another party, and I knew I had to work today, early. It was frustrating to say the least, I actually (thought I'm not proud to admit this), called the sheriff per advice of the maintenance person on duty and I guess they talked to them, at least they said they would, and that was that. To no avail, I still heard them in the wee hours of the morning. There is also the issue of the perpetual ice maker in my freezer, but those are the things one has to deal with when lving on their own... The biggest problem I have is lonliness, being so used to seeing family in the evenings or whenever and I hope I don't get left out because of this but threes nothing i can do if that happens.


anyway I have to go...

Current Mood: anxious

(Leave a comment)

May. 9th, 2009

11:42 pm - ho hum

Well I am at a local bar tonight to watch a band preform. It occurs to me on nights like this that I will end up lonely as always. Tomarrow after I move in, it is going to become more apparent. Anyway that's all I wanted to say.

Current Mood: annoyed

(Leave a comment)

Apr. 25th, 2009

07:49 pm - youre so cold

Well, its mayple syrup fest were I grew up...so I am with the caszatt clan hanging out I celebration. Its cold and rainy after being so HOT and muggy this morning. I had a good time today but I am reminded of how physically different I am and how sinlge and verginous I am. It just makes me sad. I just want to have someone, I am tired of feeling unworthy of love. The kind of love I deserve.I know this is pathetic and exactly why I don't have someone. Not only that but its saturday night and I am going to spend the night AT HOME with my parents. I did get to see sasha on monday night...we went and saw 17 again and it was good...I had a good time. Well I should go...

Current Mood: gloomy

(Leave a comment)

Apr. 11th, 2009

09:26 pm - *Sighs*

Tonight is a good night. A good night for several reasons:
1) It's my parent's 29th wedding anniversary (CONGRATS!!!)
2) It is sooo nice out...
3) I got a ton of homework done while working my shift today so I Can relax a little
4) There is a possibility of an apartment coming my way this summer
5)There are only 3 weeks left of school and now it does not put me in a panic to say it:)
6) The Caszatt kids (including Jess) are hanging out tonight after em and I leave here (we're on woldt hall so Em can print materials)...
.....there are other reasons, but too many to count.
anyway, love life as usual is nothing but crickets but I guess that's okay, someday yeah maybe someday....
Last night we celebrated Grandma Ruth's birthday at a fish fry and later ice cream and cake. It was fun to hang with some of the family and just hang out. Oh, the Caszatt kids are planning some madness going to metallica in November...front row seats, baby! Jess wouldn't have it any other way. Dan got his motorcycle squared away, so now he can legally ride it, driving it up yesterday. Tomorrow is easter and it should be fun at the caszatt house, and we have Nick and Megan's wedding next weekend, as well as Sash is coming up next sunday, so my family and I are busy people, but it makes it fun. Hopefully this wedding will be a good time, and I imagine it will be...I hope so. *Yawns* well, I guess that is all for now...
Kate

Current Mood: cheerful

(Leave a comment)

Mar. 9th, 2009

03:43 pm - Feelin' Alright.....

Hello everyone...
your not going to believe this, but this entry will not have anything to do with my love life (or lack thereof). I have considered going to lansing for sign language interpretation, and was planning on it until I found that I need a bachelor's degree, so I am going to stay here and finish up, regardless of what I do. Seems like, a bachelor's degree is the bare minimum anymore, and that's not good considering that it is so expensive and many people are struggling financially to do this. I frankly, and emma will agree with this, it is just not necessary unless you have a specific degree/career in mind with a set plan to do it. How many people change their minds? Good lord, how many times have I changed mine??? Still finding my place. to tell the truth...I could care less about a career...If I could I would be more than content to be a housewife raising kids, at least for awhile....
well Emma and I had a good 21st birthday. It was fun! My personal favorite? Friday night at La Senorita's drinking margaritas and eating Mexican food after viewing the Vagina Monolouges. Something every woman (and some men) should watch. For a birthday gift, I got money, lots of Mike's hard lemonade (yum:)) and mom and dad put our diamonds from Grandpa LaBrecque into silver necklace settings. I saw the settings last night (so did emma) and they turned out GORGEOUS!!!) I cannot wait to get the chain so I can wear mine.
Last night I went to Rachel's house with Alisha and at dinner at ruby Tuesdays (where I regret not and we watched "Sex and the City" as well as (My cinema geek shudders at the mention of this...it's almost like "Macbeth") "Don't mess with the Zohan". We played a game of dice and went home...I had a great time this time!
When I came home I found everyone crowded around led zepplin's "Song remains the same"...which was cool. Lately I have been into finding out a little about stars like Layne Staley, Shannon Hoon, John Bonham, etc who have died from drug and alcohol abuse. I am just fascinated to see what happened and how it effected those around them. It just is sad to see such talented people with such potential, even beyond what they already accomplished and had shown, fall victim to such tragedy. They couldn't handle to pressure, or just couldn't let go of their demons. most of which developed before their fame. it is heartbreaking. Ugh I would never wish that anguish on anyone.
Another word on musicians before I go...The band Hanson has been swirling around rumors that they are splitting up, do to Taylor's involvement in the band Tinted Windows (as a side project). Now, I didn't really believe that they are splitting up and they claim that they are not...in fact, they are prepping for a new album due supposedly this summer but I would give it three years or so, given their track record. Now in light of these it made me realize that I haven't been too thrilled by Hanson's music (in particular the last record). I mean it had some good stuff on it, but I like This Time Around and Underneath better. Damn it, I'll even admit MMMBOP, too. I am finally growing away from the band's new material. The old material still has a place in my heart, and yeah the walk album does as well I suppose. But I have had enough of the crazy fans, hitz, hansonsecrets (although some are quite good), ...it's just time to back away from it. I'll still keep posted, but I am backing off and I don't feel guilty for the first time. I got to see them live, I've taken the walk...that's enough for me.

Well it is spring break and I work today, tomorrow, and half the day wednesday and then on thursday Mom, Aunt Cheri, Emma and I are heading down to Indiana (with a stop at Dan's along the way)..I cannot wait! well I have to go...
Kate

Current Mood: calm

(Leave a comment)

Feb. 22nd, 2009

03:25 pm - Touch your lips just so I know....

Well, I am listening to Dave Matthews "crash into me" after seeing a photo of Sheila Wheeler kissing Pat Tripp and her status as "Married" and it makes me SAD SAD SAD. No, I am happy for sheila and pat, they both deserve to be happy as everyone does and to find someone. I just wish that I would. I ache so much to have someone to share my life with, to understand me and connect with me. To find someone to click with. It's just upsetting and it hit me like a frieght train. the lonlieness and sadness kill me. In the end I just want to be loved. Totally and completely. Even if my whole world would fall apart all around me, he'd be there to hold me and say everything's okay and that it will be alright. Someone for the times when I've had enough, where I'm completely broken apart and everyone else is gone. Uugh. How about that for love? Is that really possible? Honestly I don't really know anymore, not that I ever really thought so in reality before. I am scared to let someone yet I am screaming at the top of my lungs for the chance. No judgement. Someday, Maybe someday.
Kate

Current Mood: distressed

Current Music: The gift-angels and airwaves

(Leave a comment)

Feb. 2nd, 2009

04:10 pm - A declaration....

I have decided amoung other things this: I give up on men. No one will want me. No one will truely love me for me and it's just never going to happen. I am going to be a sad old spinster with 5 cats roaming all over her little apartment....It't not for lack of wanting. I just don't feel it's actually going to happen. Every time I get my hopes up, and I do it to myself, nothing happens and I only have myself to blame for it. so anyway, the search is OVER. COMPLETELY OVER.
Kate

Current Mood: determined

(Leave a comment)

Jan. 27th, 2009

07:54 pm - i don't know....

Hello journal of sorts.well as technological as one gets. I have been thinking about brandon a lot today because I had a dream that he and I got together , finally . How can I still carry that torch for him? I think its the movies that get me in this pathetic mood.I swear I am crazy. Lonely. If I get that apartment, this will only be highlighted further.I just saw bride wars so I think that's what happened to me. Like cale said at work and I said last night, where is my fish???? I am tired of waiting. But I am NOT readyn either. Anyway I should go...kate

Current Location: cinema

Current Mood: blank

Current Music: party all the time over the loudspeakers

(Leave a comment)

Jan. 12th, 2009

08:30 am - here we go again....

I am a half hour away from the beginning of the spring semester. Already I feel tired and overwhelmed, ready for it to be OVER....and I mean it. Honestly truly mean it. oh well. I mean I am holding back tears as we speak, so that just goes to show you how I feel. It will be okay, though, right? It always ends up being fine, somehow, someway, it does. uuugh lord, help me through this. I need strength, motivation, and courage.

Current Mood: determined

Current Music: none

(Leave a comment)

Jan. 6th, 2009

01:37 pm - It's coming around the bend again....

Here comes the stress, the long nights for emma, and no real life. Just ajflasdfjlasnc;awel. and warm weather, too, which I like untill it gets TOO hot, but for now that is something I am looking forward to. Also, getting my hair cut, too!!! anyway, here we go...
Last night I watched the interview with dad which is very good, I highly recommend it to any movie buff. When dad fell asleep after the movie was over, I put in "The Women" and mom and I watched that, gaining some bonding time, too which was nice as well. Although that movie was not great, I wouldn't put it as the worst I guess. Could have been better, the women were a little annoying at times, but honestly in some ways I didn't mind it. It was a chick flick....wht did you expect???? anyway, I enjoyed the time both with mom and dad. that my friends is what I love about movies.


Anyway, I feel like I may be coming down with something, which at this point is okay because I will have 5 days to get over it. Any sooner and I would want to shoot someone. Anyway, I have to go....
kate

Current Mood: relaxed

(Leave a comment)

Dec. 22nd, 2008

10:01 am - Updates..............

Well, Christmas break is in full swing...Christmas only 3 days away! I am so Excited.....
At a certain point every day lately I have been feeling Blue. Not for the reasons everyone thinks, either ("pre-christmas blues---not going to get anything I want...). It is the shear loneliness factor that I don't have anyone special to share the holidays with. I mean, I have my awesome family, whom I love to hang out with. Last night, we were all together (well, minus Dan:() and it was very nice. Tuesday evening should be fantastic, having everyone together....But it is just not the same as having someone to call your own or having one stupidly in your mind that you wish badly was there, even though you tell yourself you shouldn't. Really shouldn't.
....Something I want to share my thoughts on: Not that this is a big deal, but Hanson is threatening legal action to the places online that posted the hospital picture of Taylor' family with their new addition. I say good for them. It is not right to post such personal images and they haven't done much of anything about it up to this point. If they post it themselves, than that's different. but I don't like that fans or whomever hack into their emails and whatnot to get their information. It's just not right. Not right. I mean, I understand the curiosity factor, let's face it...it is always interesting to get a glimpse into their life, but it's private and personal photos and videos that get shared and it's not right nor fair. I guess other information, like baby information, that gets released as well and that's not fair. Let me just say this...in the course of 7 months, all of the couples have welcomed a baby into their families. GEESH. 3 new babies. one crowded christmas, for sure!
mmmmooooving on....
That's all I feel like writing or I will start rambling...
I wish all of my loved ones and the world peace and happiness during this Christmas season. I know that many families out their are hurting, going through a divorce,dealing with financial struggles or loss of loved ones, or other challenges. So I hope that this christmas season brings you joy and happiness to get you through...
Kate

Current Mood: calm

(Leave a comment)

Nov. 11th, 2008

08:05 am - What it means to me to be amarican and other things....

Okay, let's get it out of the way: I am happy that Barack Obama will be the new President of the United States come January. This is because I am hopeful that he will try to do something to help the American public. Having said this, I am extremely proud of the majority of America that choose a candidate for the "content of their character, not the color of their skin." It proves to me that America is not as backward (or at least most of us) as once believed and that dark veil of cynicism against America and the word "Americanized" and all that it touches is slowly lifting. I think we as americans are becoming more conscious of the environment and other issues and realizing our impact and are now taking steps to fix that..so for the first time in a long time I feel rather proud to be an american...or I should say, not that I wasn't before, but I was certainly aware of how the world viewed my country. It was nice to have all the family gathered around election night last week eating the pizza that I decided to treat everyone to and watching the results AND the movie "vantage point"---which wasn't bad...
Well, long story short I signed my major. I am officially a BCA major and going to (hopefully if Dr. J will let me) sign my minor as Cinema Studies. I was so upset Thursday morning b/c I couldn't get into any BCA classes. I still can't but at least I have 15 credits that all should count for something.
It was just a roller coaster of a week last week--a very long week. not only the above, but not being able to go to Chicago, either, which started my week and really bummed me out.
Yesterday I heard the news that my cousin and his wife are divorcing.They fought about his drinking and Apparently he is also having an affair and the day after she caught him she found out she was pregnant. It is just awful and I feel terrible for her. I am sure, if it hasn't, the news will spread like wildfire no matter what. I just have to keep her in my thoughts and prayers along with my family.
hhhhhmmmm....anything else?? Well, the holidays are coming with a vengeance, making me want to stay home and decorate, but soon enough, I guess. School is slowly starting to wind down with the bulk of the semester behind us. well, I guess I should go. I will add more later.
Kate

Current Mood: anxious

(Leave a comment)

Nov. 6th, 2008

07:30 am - .........

I am upset, stressed and frustrated this morning. Sorry if this is not the fucking entry you wish to read, but it is the real deal. I don't like feeling this way. I hate feeling this way. I can't get into classes for my maj/min that i need, all my up's are currently filled up and I'm only at 9 credits, and on top of all this plus homework, is the fact that I don't even know if I want this degree anymore. I mean, WHAT DO I WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE??? Jesus, I don't know...ask someone else. Nothing I ever do is enough. I could always be doing more. when does it end? What does it really matter???? If I could be a stay at home mom in a lot of ways that would make me happy, but then I think, would that be enough? I just don't know. even when I get my degree, what happens next? My mom goes *and I really wanted to punch her out for saying this* "get your masters* what, and put myself through this all again???? Nobody gets it, no one has answers and I just don't want to do this anymore. I mean, giving up and leaving is really not an option. Chicago isn't the answer either. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT TO DO.

lasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkasdfkjweio;tjawnal.

Current Mood: aggravated

(Leave a comment)

Navigate: (Previous 20 Entries)